Tal Ben-Shahar created the most popular course in Harvard’s history: on how to be happier. He is also author of several books on the subject. Everyone from psychologists to business theorists to holistic health gurus have tried to tackle this question. Here is how Ben-Shahar does it.
Which path are you on?
If you were personally put in front of the following two paths, both leading to your most profound aspirations in life, which one would you favour? Why?
If you were then told that out of these two paths, there is a better one, I’m assuming you would think it’s the one you chose, and if that path were the Optimalist one, then you would be absolutely right. If, on the other hand, it were the Perfectionist one, then the information in this article may spare you some unnecessary pain.
Perfectionism versus Optimalism
According to the author, no person is 100 percent a Perfectionist or 100 percent an Optimalist. “Instead, we should think of perfectionism and Optimalism as lying on a continuum, and each of us tends to a lesser or greater degree to one end or the other of the continuum.” He goes on to say that we may be Optimalists in some areas of our lives and Perfectionists in others. For example we could be absolutely unforgiving of mistakes made by ourselves or our colleagues at work and on the contrary quite forgiving of perceived shortcomings in a familial context.
The key difference: the process we apply to achieve our goals
Both a Perfectionist and an Optimalist can share the same intensity of desire to achieve their goals. It is rather in the way they each approach their processes of achieving these goals that they differ. Whereas for the Perfectionist, failure doesn’t play a part in the journey towards attaining ambitions, for the Optimalist, failure is an inevitable part of the journey of getting from where he or she is to where he or she wants to be. The journey will therefore be perceived not as a straight line, but something resembling more of an irregular upward spiral.
Essentially, Ben-Shahar draws our awareness to the potential trappings of following a path pulling us away from happiness.
Failure: an opportunity
For an Optimalist, failure is perceived as an opportunity for receiving feedback: by not being too afraid to act, one can actually learn from it and try again, focusing on growth and improvement. Because an Optimalist doesn’t give up or become paralyzed by the fear of failure, as a Perfectionist may tend to do, they have a much better chance of reaching their goals.
When I first started teaching, I had a Perfectionist’s approach. However, once I accepted the fact that not every student would be gripped to my every word and that there might even be some manifest disinterest, I started to actually enjoy the experience. Engaging in a context of immediate, and at times brutally honest feedback, became an opportunity for improvement.
Consequences
Although most Perfectionists do not exhibit all their Perfectionist qualities to the same degree in every situation, the more they do, the higher their susceptibility to a whole range of challenges associated with perfectionism. According to Ben-Shahar, these could include “low self-esteem, eating disorders, sexual dysfunction, depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, psychosomatic disorders, chronic fatigue syndrome, alcoholism, social phobia, panic disorder, a paralyzing tendency to procrastination, and serious difficulties in relationships.”
For Perfectionists concerned by body image, in the case of eating disorders, the choice they will see for themselves is between being fat or skinny, overeating or starving, oblivious to the possibility of any healthy middle ground. They will tend to adopt an extreme dietary regime and will punish themselves both psychologically and physically when they eventually give in to a bite of forbidden food. Although an Optimalist can still show concern for how they look or what they eat, the standards to which they hold themselves will be realistic and more human, rather than superhuman.
Another example is anxiety disorders. From the all-or-nothing perspective of the Perfectionist, who does not distinguish minor failures from major ones, virtually every situation has within it the potential for misfortune. As a result, they will constantly worry about all the perceived “catastrophes” that are just around the corner, and will therefore experience ongoing anxiety and at times panic.
In a world that is by nature at times unpredictable, the Perfectionist’s fixed and inflexible perception of the right way of doing things, the right way to live, is constantly being challenged. As Tal Ben-Shahar states, “A rigid mind-set is ill-suited for modern fluidity”. The Optimalist, on the other hand, being more flexible and open to deviations, is better able to deal with the ever-changing environment. Change is experienced not as a threat but as a challenge; albeit a frightening but fascinating one.
So what can we do?
First of all, by being open and honest with ourselves rather than defensive and by starting to identify our Perfectionist characteristics and becoming conscious of their consequences.
Then, because perfectionism is basically an attitude, we can change it through our behaviour. This involves observing ourselves behave as Optimalists do. Through taking risks, venturing outside our comfort zone, being open rather than defensive, falling down and getting up again, we become Optimalists.
As the author says, “moving towards the Optimalist side of the continuum is a lifelong project, one that only ends when life itself ends. It is a journey that demands much patience, time, and effort –and a journey that can be delightfully pleasant and infinitely rewarding.”
Further information
Book: “Being Happy”: You Don’t Have to Be Perfect to lead a Richer, Happier Life, Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D. Mc-Graw-Hill, 2009.
Photo credit: mm1994 via Pixabay, CC0 License
